a chronicle of my dating history that i found in my drafts.

a chronicle of my dating history that i found in my drafts.



--
You were my first for a lot of things. You were the first boy to take an interest in me. I was 16, I had never felt pretty. I didn't care that you had a girlfriend and you were hitting on me. I felt flattered that you broke things off with her for me. I felt sorry for her, but I was selfish. You were my first kiss, it was in a movie theater. you always told me that I kept my eyes open for it, I still don't think I did.  you were also my first heartbreak. you broke up with me so you could party without a guilty conscious. I can't remember how you broke up with me, but I remember arguing in the park. a lot of things you did hurt. you  inadvertently taught me how strong I could be through repeated heartbreak 

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 You were my closet ally as I mended my heart. we were joined at the hip and I remember always making sure we were working together during leadership class, because boy did you make me laugh. I liked that. I didn't tell you how I felt for some time, but you knew. you were selfish. you wanted more from me. you convinced yourself that my morals were loose guidelines or far fetched ideals that I wouldn't actually keep. I thought you knew me better that than. you didn't. you couldn't cope with the fact that I wouldn't go further. you broke my already wounded heart.

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Getting to you was a game for me. you were so so handsome. you had bright blue eyes and sun kissed hair, and I was determined to make something work. I had a religion. You had opinions. We fought. You would wear down my constant "can we just not talk bout it?" to tell me why my faith was irrational and blind. I always felt the battle was more within yourself than with me. I felt like a bystander and yet I was in the crossfire.  I remember one night, after a particularly frustrating tuft you drove me up the mountain roads to my home in silence. I left the car, upset. I walked into my empty house. took of my shoes and sat for a moment in melancholy. You called me, asked me to come back outside. Without shoes, I reluctantly did. you looked at me apologetically and kissed me without a word. that was our first kiss. I  remember ignorantly thinking that was the most romantic thing. but the fights never stopped, and the apologies came less.  I took a little pride in being the one to end it.

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I met you at summer camp. you were exciting and hilarious. we hit it off, until you told me you had a girlfriend. I felt horrible, and pulled away.  when you broke up with her and came to see me a few weeks later, I was 5 hrs from your house. you were the worst kisser. just. so. wet.

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You were everything that I wasn't. you wanted a small town girl, I had dreams of the big city. against all common sense you became my closest friend. when I tore my ACL you were there. with my olympic-sized dreams being snatched away from me, I held on to the one thing I knew would be there even if I didn't love it. you. I knew you would always be there. I felt guilty for writing you so frequently on your mission. I was never for you. I thought you understood that but you had so much hope for us. I hope to love someone with as much faith as you did me. I'll never understand why you chose to love me. I sometimes wish I had loved you back. 

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You were and are my favorite grump. we had escaped every rumor that we were dating since we were  14. we cuddled but we were always just best friends with few boundaries. I loved the way your family treated me like I was one of their own. I used to sleep over at your house with your sister, and hang out with you the majority of the time. we once dated for three days, but I never kissed you. I was scared to lose my best friend, thank you for making sure I never did. also sorry I didn't go to prom with you...

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Our relationship was by far the most confusing of all. you were nothing, and yet everything to me. When I met you I thought you were sketchy, but I watched you change. you changed in such a good way it was impossible to let you go. it was impossible to not be attached to you. you kissed me, then a few days later another girl. I cried over you. I wrote poems about you. you told me I should have known better. you were right. we were never the right fit, but all those years ago we foolishly pretended. somehow we really did stay friends. even now I root for your success. 

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I fell for you and scared my parents in the process, you were much older but you were such a delightful person. You helped me realized the importance of being true to myself. you respected me. We practically created a language from our accents (mine were always horrible, yours were always spot on). I once asked you why you never got annoyed when I got hyper you replied "I don't know? it's just always funny" I liked that. I liked feeling so comfortable. Sometimes I still miss that feeling. You might've been my first love, at least the first glimpse into it. Letting go of you was one of the hardest things I had to do. but I knew it was right, I remember feeling that so distinctly. 

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You manipulated me into thinking you were a good idea. You had known me for 6 years, you were the first boy I held hands with (at efy of course) told me I was "such a delightful person" and that you needed that in your life. You made yourself seem vulnerable. You played with my heartstrings ever so deliberately. You told me you wanted to take me on dates and see what could transpire. You got what you wanted, and deleted all trace of me, and started dating someone 3 days later. When I called you out on being the worlds biggest douche bag, you actually took offense. At that point it was comical. You were a mess, I'm happy to have not had to clean it up. I hope you've figured things out a bit better, I hope you treat people better now.

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I remember sitting in my first class in college, I sat near the front. you walked in wearing a tshirt with a word that caught my eye. you sat towards the back. I never spoke a word to you in that class, but I was always happy to see you walk in. a few months later I saw you in church. my roommate thought your roommate was cute. they dated for a time. you and I became really close, you had such an intrinsic kindness about you. I admired that, it made me trust you. you used to read my poetry. you were probably the only one. You always encouraged me to write. I loved that. I remember standing at the doorstep as you said good bye thinking two years was a long time and how I wish you had kissed me. but I knew you wouldn't. That summer solidified our friendship. you were my best friend, my favorite. I spent the first year of your mission with my head in the clouds and building false expectations through our letters, the second half realizing that I was not for you, you deserved someone more well mannered. you came back, we made a half-hearted attempt to date, but we both knew something wasn't right. you've drifted out of my life, which still bums me out a bit.

--

Our little romance was fun. we were pretty bad at being 'just friends" but our confusion was kinda fun. You were passionate about the same things I was, so It was easy to talk shop. We transitioned back to normality pretty smoothly, and with the amount of time I spend with you now, I'm forever grateful for that.

--

You've probably pierced my heart more deeply than anyone. falling for you was a process. 
I first met you after my roommate had gushed about you for weeks. you were so attractive, so despite thinking you were so far out of my league, I firmly declared she did not have dibs. I convinced our mutual friend to set us up, but I knew you weren't interested. I flirted as hard as one can while "keeping their cool." I felt so inadequate, I had convinced myself you would never actually date me. I resigned to the friends-zone, happy to at least be a part of your life. It took you five months to warm up to the idea of dating me, and I was scared when that time came. You had hurt me before, and I proceeded with caution. But those were some of my happiest times. I felt so comfortable with you, you were my best friend & my boyfriend. You told me things that you hadn't told anyone else before, I felt like our communication was so easy (though we learned later, that did not apply to texting). You made me want to do better. We held each other accountable. You taught me a lot about myself, you taught me how I love others. You reminded me to love myself.  our breakup was very unexpected and so very painful, but it was an unexpected spiritual experience that I will never forget. I had never felt so close to heaven than I did during that hard conversation. I'm convinced that I wouldn't not have been able to get to that point without you. so thank you.

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you made me laugh at at time I didn't think I could. you helped me move my heart forward with confidence.


this was really fascinating to read at a time where I'm feeling so empowered and whole. I figured some of you might resonate with a little bit of this, and I'm all about yolo-ing when it comes to what I post on this blog, So sorry if it was long, but i mean com'n i started it with high school romances!

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