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the only thing you can rely on is change.
the past week has been one of the most troubling weeks of my life. Three major things happened to me and i'm still trying to come to terms with reality. I've been writing some poetry to try and help me deal and it's been pretty helpful (even if my poems sound somewhat depressing) I'll post one of them at the end of this post. I just can't figure how do deal with a lot of this. It feels like tragedy after tragedy keeps showing up this week, okay maybe you might think i'm being a little melodramatic, but i could really care less. this is been a hard week. First off i had finals. I studied really hard to do well in my classes and somehow pulled it off. But my level of stress was high. After taking my Book of Mormon final i was told by a close friend of mine that a mutual friend of ours had taken his own life. I couldn't focus on anything after that and i just didn't know how to react. so I decided i needed some retail therapy. My brother took me shopping (he's good at the type of thing, i usually call him my big sister) and i spent money i shouldn't've but i kinda felt better about things. But as soon as i got home i heard that my grandmother had had a mild heart attack. she's doing okay now, but what scares me is that i don't know how long that okay will last. She's so old and frail and there is only so much that worn out heart can handle. And finally, my best friend let me know that she no longer wanted to be LDS (or mormon). This was the hardest one for me to grasp. She didn't really give me details why and i don't know what to think. She was so strong about a week ago, we were trying to find ways that she would come to BYU and be able to surround herself with people who believe the same things as her. And now all the sudden everything is changing. I doubt she'll read this, but i hope she knows that i don't love her any less. Love does not discriminate religions by any means. But the fact that she no longer believes the same things doesn't not weaken my testimony of the gospel at all. I just don't know how to react at all. i haven't even seen her since i got back home and i am scared that it's going to be weird and she's going to expect me to try and convince her to be mormon. but i won't. i will simply be the same friend i have been, we'll just have differing eternal perspectives.
so here is the poem i wrote yesterday. just know that i'm talking about three different people in it. also i didn't really edit it much so sorry for the grammatical errors,
Change is inevitable
It is also intrusive.
It all hit me at one point.
Is life not allowed
to be enjoyable for more than a month?
Tragedy.
In every sense of he word.
I can't help but picture
his lifeless body with
The pained look on his face that I
knew was etched onto his heart.
I am more than speechless; I am thoughtless
Terror.
I can't imagine
a visit to that familiar
brick house without the namesake.
What is happening?
Where did the joy go?
Where did the love
my dear friend felt from God go?
Did it just walk out the door
along with my grasp on reality?
When was it decided that my faith
would benefit from being twisted in
every painful direction i never thought
possible?
When was it decided
that happiness had
to be so hard to come by?
When was it decided
that my hope would have to come
through those small moments?
A simple compliment
A smile; awkwardly given.
Genuine laughter
Why can't I feel
the way I once did?
That seems to be
the most demanding question,
Why?