There must be a light through all this mist.
Faith has been at the forefront of my mind the past few weeks, more specifically faith in God, faith in patience, and faith in myself.
As you may have gathered, recently I went through an unexpected break up. I had a time, a thankfully short time, where I was completely and seemingly hopelessly shattered. I blamed myself for a hot second, but quickly remembered that I had given all that I had to the relationship and it would be another one reluctantly abandoned, no matter how badly I wanted to fix it.
I've seen a lot of quotes online that go along the lines of "if you wonder why a girl has walls, its because each brick was put there by another empty promise from a boy" or something like that. I keep thinking about that concept and how it applies to me. It's human nature to be uncomfortable with vulnerability. I mean, I'm pretty sure being vulnerable is innately uncomfortable. It's not that my walls get bigger with each heart break. I still allow myself to be quite vulnerable, probably due to blind faith in humanity. It's becoming more and more that the smallest parts of me remain ever more hidden with each relationship and let down. I suppose I'm just hopeful that someone will love me long enough to find them, long enough to search for them. I know that sounds like I have walls built up, but I just don't feel comfortable with that comparison, because they aren't strongly protected really. The silliest parts of me, the most scared parts, my biggest regrets get tucked a little deeper with each unraveled love. I have yet to show them, and it's not that I don't want to, but that they are basically world champs at hide-and-go-seek. I suppose what keeps me going is that despite all evidence to the contrary I have faith that someday someone will stick around long enough to witness them.
So really there is only one option at this point for me. I need to love myself, more fiercely than I have previously. Because there is something so beautiful in learning to not just love yourself, but to actually like yourself and not giving a damn about how others will take it. There is something magical in asserting your individuality in the process of finding it, and this is an incredible opportunity for me to do that. This is one of the more personal posts i've written, and these words leave me incredibly vulnerable as I push them out to the cyber world for strangers and friends to read. I do this in hopes that it might help at least one of you. Lets just call this another rung in the latter I'm climbing to authenticity. Because I am worthy of love, and so are you.
also if you have the time, listen to this ted talk about vulnerability and tell me what you think of it.
Labels: love, rambling